Monday, April 28, 2014

Me, of shaky faith

Disclaimer: I recognize I am not the only person who is suffering the death of my child(ren).  I ask these questions from my uniquely broken heart, and on behalf of all bereaved parents whose Christian faith has been rocked to its core.  Really, there are endless combinations of suffering (e.g. terminal illness, life in a third world country) that could prompt similar (though probably not the same) questions.  And I'm not expecting answers.  None of them would be good enough anyway.  Rather, I'm openly acknowledging that because of Zachary's (and B.W.'s) death, I am incredibly distraught with my faith, confused about prayer, its impact, and God's intent for a relationship with those of us on earth.  I am not quoting bible scripture here because it could be construed as being taken out of context, which of course it would be...

What shall I pray for, if not for the life and health of my children? 

When my child is suffering and on the verge of death, shall I have the audacity to pray for his return to health - a miracle - with full hope (faith) that God will oblige/intervene? 

Am I to praise God if he spares my child's life - a miracle indeed? 
Am I to submit to "it's part of His plan" if God chooses not to intervene? 

Shall I relinquish belief that God is all-powerful and only meekly ask Him for "strength in and through" whatever becomes of my child? 

Why would God give me the gift of Zachary, allow him to thrive for his first week of life, and then permit him to suffer tremendously the next, and die at 14 days old?  What kind of an impact, in the grand scheme of humanity, could Zachary's life have had in 14 days, that merits his death and our perpetual grief, as part of "His plan"? 

Why has God allowed two of my children to be stripped away from our loving family when so many other families - on the spectrum from loving to abusive - are fully in-tact?  How can suffering of this nature be so unevenly distributed? 

I do not want human answers.  I do not want answers from anyone who has prayed for their children who only live and thrive, which I assume they believe is "part of His plan".  I do not want to hear platitudes about Zachary being in a better place. 

I suppose this is really between God and me. 


  1. Your honesty - I appreciate it very much.

    I don't want human answers either.

    My grief, my path to the Abyss, is not the same as yours. We both got there. Now what?

    Simplistic answers about why God does or does not do things - no. No help. No good.

    I see it your way. "I suppose this is really between God and me."

    But I am helped by reading your words and thoughts.

    To say that I am bitterly, dreadfully sorry about the deaths of your boys - it's true, but it doesn't help. Of course it doesn't. I am sorry, so sorry.

    They are still gone and you must still bear their absence.

    Reading here, thankfully,

    (a friend of Catherine W; she helped me find you)

  2. Thank you so much CiM, for reading, and for your condolences. I am honored to have you read here and thankful that something resonated for you. I am also very sorry to hear about your own devastating loss.