Friday, April 25, 2014

Grief logic

-- On the evening of Friday, January 17, 2014 --

Things are not looking good.
Actually things are now looking very bad.
The brain scan revealed a grade 4 hemorrhage.
This is not a small one.
It's a massive grade 4 bleed.
It is so big that there is significant midline shift of the contents of Zachary's brain.
Yes, he has started to show signs of recovery from the sepsis.
Yes, his open PDA is all closed up.
Yes, on Monday, before the infection, his brain scan was totally clear.

The bleed must have been triggered by the sepsis or his body's reaction to it.

It has a global impact on Zachary's ability to function.
Cognition, motor and sensory abilities will be severely affected.
This kind of bleed does not discriminate.
We have never seen this turn out ok, or anything close to ok.  

Our recommendation is to remove Zachary's life support.
He may die on his own.
I'm so sorry.


-- Today, April 25, 2014 --

Do you know you can save 5% if you have a R*dcard? 

Yes, I know.  No thanks. 

Can I ask why not? 

(Please, please don't cry.  Don't cough up and spew out grief on this poor gentleman.  He has no idea this is your first trip to this store, alone, since before Zachary died.  He has no clue how hard this is just to be out and shopping, that your newborn should be sleeping in his carrier in the cart, that you cried all the way to the store as you replayed the words of the neonatologist on that pivotal Friday night.) 
Um, we just don't want another bill.  We'd rather have one big credit card bill each month.

But, you can get the debit card.  There is no extra bill for that...

(He's going to push me.  Of course he is.  Gretchen.  Hold it together.  You can do this.  You can break down in the car after escaping the check out line.)
Yes, but I'd have to provide my banking information and I don't want to do that.  Listen, I just don't want the card.  Ok?

Ok.  (head shaking in disapproval...) Man, someone told you that it would be that hard.  It's not.  It's really super easy.


Save 5%.  It's simple.  It's a no-brainer.  Why not? 

Because I had to give the cue to remove the tape that was holding his ventilator in place, so that he could begin to die.

Because he never felt the sun on his skin or listened to the birds chirp.

Because we had to pay for his funeral rather than start his college fund.

I couldn't care less about the items in my cart or about saving 5%. 

Nothing makes sense.  Nothing is right with the world.  Zachary is dead. 

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