Thursday, December 31, 2015

Last happy New Years Eve

On this day two years ago, we were celebrating your nana's birthday with pizza and family. 

Twenty-two days later, after you lived your entire life and left us throbbing in brokenness, I sat in a department store dressing room, staring blankly at a selection of funeral dresses and layette sets for the display of your body in the casket. 

I still cannot reconcile the before and the after, what happened to you in between those days. 

In between the New Years Eve birthday celebration and the dressing room scene, I lived a whole other life with you.  I think it must have been the most important and meaningful living I've ever done.  And now, it's over and done.

I hope you knew and felt my love, Zachary.  It means everything to me. 

This day will forever punctuate the beginning of so much fear, then pure joy and elation at your birth and health, and finally, a reprehensible series of errors that robbed you of your entire future.  I'm so sorry. 


  1. I am so sorry you are reliving these terrifying moments, and that Zachary's life too is all contained within January. I so wish he were with you to enter this new year.
    Thanks for being a dissonant voice in the concert of cheery "happy new year!". It reminds me I am not alone and Paul is not alone. Xox

    1. The passage of time is so painful when your child has died, isn't it? I have dodged as many "happy new years!" as I can..., and even that has left me exhausted. Thank you for assuring me I am not alone in this. Your sweet Paul - his birthday tomorrow - I can never forget how closely our timelines of joy and terror and devastation align. I will be thinking of you all.

  2. Been specifically thinking of you as Zachary's days approach. Praying for a peace that surpasses all understanding. Zachary knew and felt your love. I am sure of it. How could he not when I, a mere stranger, can feel your love for him through the miles. xxx, Em

  3. Gretchen, my heart goes out to you. I am so sorry that Zachary is not with you. To feel such relief and joy followed by such terror and devastation is incomprehensible. You are such a brave and courageous mother. Zachary is so loved. Xox Yvonne