Monday, July 7, 2014

Six months old

Those long fingers wrapped tightly around mine, that soft as silk, sometimes spiky hair, those purely innocent eyes looking for me.  God, he was amazing.  I would give up anything and everything to have had six months with him. 

My Zachary.  He would be six months old today.


I cannot believe he was here, and healthy.  So little intervention.  And then he slipped right through our hands.  I can't fathom how bits of microscopic bacteria infiltrated his being, ravaged his body, stealing his lungs, his ability to regulate his blood pressure, to coagulate, to urinate.  I can't understand how he was "through the worst of it", having survived the first 48 hours of septic shock, finally urinating again, respiratory requirements dramatically improved, all of his blood counts back in reasonable ranges..., and yet it destroyed his otherwise perfectly functioning brain.  Incredibly rare, we were told.  I can't believe that B and I were forced to make end-of-life decisions for him, that we all watched him suffer and held him as he died.  I will never understand how and why this happened to Zachary.  I can't quite grasp his gone-ness.  Don't want to accept what it implies for the rest of my own days.


What would we be doing with Zachary, if he were here right now?   

I don't know sweetie.  You'd probably be keeping him occupied on the floor while I make breakfast.  Or maybe I'd have him with me in a sling, carrying him around. 

Would he be able to have tiny pieces of a bagel yet?

He might not be quite ready for solid foods yet, at six months. 

Please don't talk to me anymore.  I'm sad. 

Okay.  I know.  Me too. 


  1. It's just all so unbelievable isn't it! I get the feelings of unbelief. Eva had made it through the worst. Even been discharged and sent home. Only to die of surgical complications and medical error in her daddy's hands two weeks later.

    1. Absolutely yes. Often, I find myself with choking sobs, thinking about the senselessness of Zachary's demise, doubled over with disbelief. How could things go so wrong for him? How could they have lined up so horribly to trigger all that happened, when he was doing so well? E.Coli? Your sweet Eva's surgical complications.... leading to death? It's unfathomable.

      The suddenness and unexpected nature of Zachary's illness and death is something that relentlessly torments me. I'm not sure if or when that will ease. It's just all wrong.

  2. Another heartbreaking post. I curse the universe that lets babies die. Even more curses for two babies in one family. Add into it young siblings who have to grieve and I'm a curse factory. None of this is fair. Not for my children (living and not), your children, you, me, others. I wish we lived closer and could get our kids together for a play date. Sending your whole family love & light...