tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4909738916028961904.post606351423941316553..comments2023-05-07T05:17:37.813-07:00Comments on Lost: boys and bearings: Ugly partsGretchenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03910724060715591409noreply@blogger.comBlogger8125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4909738916028961904.post-60523775676951479262014-09-07T03:53:03.195-07:002014-09-07T03:53:03.195-07:00I can't find words for how powerful this post,...I can't find words for how powerful this post, and the comments above are. Beautiful written, nothing ugly about this at all where I'm concerned. Is it's strange to say your blog is a joy to read? In the saddest, most unfair way possible. Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4909738916028961904.post-73929377344119502232014-08-07T10:11:25.375-07:002014-08-07T10:11:25.375-07:00I so very much appreciate you and MIFD sharing you...I so very much appreciate you and MIFD sharing your "ugly" thoughts. Baby loss is the ugliest of horrors imaginable - OF COURSE we are going to have ugly thoughts. In my opinion it's just pure, healthy coping. Thank you, thank you both for sharing. It makes me feel just a little less guilty and vulnerable. My ugly thought is with young mothers. I am bitter and jealous that my son died in what likely may be my last pregnancy. When women say something like "and next year I turn 35 so time is not on my side" I cringe and think "add a decade, honey." I can logically go to a place of empathy for them of course, but I won't deny that I cringe a little with jealously. Fucking baby loss. It is horrible and brings out the ugly. <br /><br />I also so appreciate the comment that MIFD made in her second paragraph. I have been thinking the same things for awhile but she was able to state it more eloquently thank I ever could. So I'll simply say "ditto" to all of her words. My heart also goes out to you and your whole family. Each and every day. I'm happy that you have been able to find at least a few families to connect to, as sorry as I am that there are additional families who have lost more than one child. Horrible. Ugly. I'm cursing the universe right now. Much love to you, dear mama... Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16764909215283164340noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4909738916028961904.post-35006084711435653342014-08-06T05:02:43.790-07:002014-08-06T05:02:43.790-07:00In the 7+ years after B.W. died (before Zachary ca...In the 7+ years after B.W. died (before Zachary came), the flaunting of pregnancy and birth and 100% certainty of a full lifetime ahead for their unborn child(ren) made me rage in silence. I guess what would make me most upset is when it would be someone who really knew me who, like your friend, really knew how randomly cruel B.W.'s death was. And, I would think...., someday, someone else's baby is going to die (a similar death) and then maybe they won't be so reckless and presumptuous. So, it kills me that, again, it was MY Zachary who died. It just needed to be anyone other than my Zachary. And, of course, this is just sick thinking, but it's the truth. <br /><br />I actually really appreciate your second point. I've been contemplating a post about this, about how enormous it is to have lost 2 sons, how completely shattered life is, this time, after Zachary's death. I have found a couple of other women who have lost 2 children - one on glow and one who lost 2 adult children, IRL at my support group. I know I am still very fresh from Zachary's death, but I feel like my hope has been crushed irreparably. In many ways, I can't help but feel that the universe has targeted my family.Gretchenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03910724060715591409noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4909738916028961904.post-60077690544796549242014-08-04T21:15:47.989-07:002014-08-04T21:15:47.989-07:00I agree that it is good to air the ugly thoughts. ...I agree that it is good to air the ugly thoughts. They can eat us up. Here's one of mine: I have a friend who was one of my best friends until very recently when she had her first baby and flaunted her natural birth and her dismissal of obstetricians' advice when she was overdue, over 40 and overweight. I can't help myself: I hate her for that flaunting. I wish I didn't, but I do. And I think: I hope she gets pregnant again and her baby dies, so she knows how it feels. So she knows she wasn't smarter and better, just luckier. And then, even uglier, I think: no, I don't want her baby to die, because then it will be all about her dead baby and mine will slip even further back into the darkness. <br /><br />Gretchen, I know you don't want to hear that I can't imagine how you carry on - I know that's not a helpful thought. But when I was pregnant with M, another bereaved mother told me about a family nearby whose two sons both died (one neonatally, one stillborn) and just contemplating what it would be like to have another child die made me feel like I would come completely unhinged. I don't say this to tell you how strong you are or how different you are from me, but just to say that my whole heart goes out to you and your husband and C.T. March is for daffodilshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11287273786322029725noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4909738916028961904.post-91410724905747342922014-08-04T07:33:03.664-07:002014-08-04T07:33:03.664-07:00No long-term damage was done, rest assured.
As i s...No long-term damage was done, rest assured.<br />As i said, i think these thoughts need to be expressed and thought through. I have my own ugly thoughts -- i just haven't had the guts to share them so publicly. Thank you for being so thoughtful.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4909738916028961904.post-58818519627993317022014-08-04T05:52:20.919-07:002014-08-04T05:52:20.919-07:00I am so very sorry to have upset you with my uglin...I am so very sorry to have upset you with my ugliness, especially during this particular weekend, which I know was extraordinarily emotion filled for you and P. The last thing I want to do with my writing is hurt another bereaved mother. I am so sorry. <br /><br />Zachary's death, on top of B.W.'s death, has totally broken me. There is no doubt my perceptions and emotional responses are badly damaged. While I can and do try to keep in mind that perceptions about other people (where there are disgusting, spewing, ugly subconscious thoughts tagged onto them) are not always reality, the enormity of the 2 whole human children I have lost, is my perspective. I can't think of a more devastating loss than the loss of a son or daughter, and because I have lost 2 of my sons, almost anyone I run into can provoke hard-to-handle feelings. I just really wish elements of my emotions hadn't hurt you. <br /><br />You were very kind and genuine in your comment. Not belligerent at all. I hope I haven't done irreparable damage with my post. <br /> Gretchenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03910724060715591409noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4909738916028961904.post-12266653277495065182014-08-03T21:10:51.023-07:002014-08-03T21:10:51.023-07:00It's ok to think ugly things. And to share the...It's ok to think ugly things. And to share them. I've always hated the logic of "if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything". I think we progress a lot more -- through grief or in life -- if we allow ourselves to talk about the not nice aspects of how we feel. But i think that reflecting on the fact that we don't know the lives of most of the people we see daily is so important. I try to remind myself that among the pregnant women that trigger horrible thoughts in me, some might have faced previous losses or difficulties to conceive. Or maybe they will at some point. (Or maybe they won't). I remember walking out of the hospital after getting the confirmation i was having a miscarriage and seeing a very pregnant woman smoking a cigarette. I wanted to yell at her, i was so upset she had her big pregnant belly while i was losing hope of mine.<br /><br />But to add to the point that we rarely know the story behind the person we are so prompt to judge, i'll say that i was one of the women who gained nearly 70 pounds during pregnancy, despite being mindful of what i ate, running for the first half of my pregnancy and bicycling well into my third trimester. I got really big and worried i would be judged for it. I had a healthy pregnancy and a healthy baby. Until i didn't anymore.<br /><br />I am unsure of this comment, unsure how to word it not to seem belligerent but both your post and Meghan's comment made me react strongly.<br /><br />I am sorry you do not have all three of your boys by your side, and i am thinking of you.<br />Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4909738916028961904.post-36991809250343271222014-08-02T08:03:57.537-07:002014-08-02T08:03:57.537-07:00I"m glad you do share it. Reading this helps...I"m glad you do share it. Reading this helps me- makes me feel more human and less like a monster when I have these same thoughts! The ache I felt for you when I read your words about her having TWO live children in the time you lost Zachary and miscarried- it hurts to think about. And I see similar things on a daily basis- the woman who gained 70lbs in pregnancy, the woman who smokes in pregnancy, the woman who hinted at drug use in her last pregnancy! And they all have live babies! what kind of world do we live in???<br /><br />And the "skinny bitch" comment actually made me chuckle- YES i bet she does think that! It goes to show how we don't know the complicated histories of others. It shows how you try to envision hers- such a genuine sign of someone who is compassionate- and shows just how crummy life can be, because when you've buried not one, but two kids, it's so hard to imagine anything about her life that is NOT enviable. <br /><br />Thank you for this. this is all so trueMeghan O'COnnorhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12089904608391521249noreply@blogger.com